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What’s with 30 of age? Why is it so scary?
Aku setuju kalo buat perempuan, there are more risks for pregnancy after 30, dan semua resiko lain yang mengikuti angka 30… in medical and social perspectives…
Yang aku nggak setuju, kenapa musti dipaksain sebelum 30 harus nikah? Iya kalo itu pilihan yang baik, kalo cuma karena (katanya) keadaan yang memaksa? Namanya juga maksa, udah pasti hasilnya nggak bagus. And I totally disagree with this… Jodoh atau bukan jodoh, kita emang nggak akan pernah tau… tapi kita harus jeli membedakan antara (apa yang sepertinya) takdir dengan pilihan takdir…

I never said that marriage means you’ve found your destiny. For me, it means you’ve found your choice of destiny, and living it the best you could would be the consequences you have to take. Therefore, when you decide to get married, you have to be consciously aware of the forthcomings.

Nah kalo tentang hukum menikah… wah, kayanya pengetahuan agamaku masih cetek deh… bc I don’t really know where I stand in relation to this matter… Intinya, aku memilih hukumku sendiri, bahwa aku bakal menikah kalo aku udah ngerasa mampu. Mampu in my own words, my own point of view… Sama sekali bukan soal materi, sekali lagi… It just… hasn’t come to me yet… Lagipula, kapan kita menikah dan dengan siapa, itu juga udah diatur kan… that’s what I meant from my previous blog…
Jadi… kenapa harus buru-buru? When it comes, it comes… When you know, you know… We just have to wait. (And waiting doesn’t always has to be passive, rite?)

Kenapa harus buru-buru? Karena kalo kelamaan pacaran banyak mudharatnya?
Ya ya ya ya… I’ve heard a lot ‘bout that…
Tapi….
Kenapa harus dibikin banyak mudharatnya kalo bisa sebaliknya? Kenapa fokusnya harus ke esensi mudharat dari pacaran (atau pendekatan atau penjajagan, whatever the name is)??

Never think of a relationship as something cheesy, mi amigos! Jangan pernah nganggep kalo sebuah hubungan itu hanya bisa diisi sesuatu yang sia-sia ato bahkan sinful. Relationship is a process toward finding who we really are as a couple, what we’re trying to do to improve ourselves as an individual or as a couple, and then growing up together and better…

Itu idealnya… maybe TGTBT, tapi kan emang gak ada yang sempurna, and all we have to do is just trying to be as close as possible to our ultimate goal…

For those who don’t know me, let me introduce myself… a thinker. And a big one.
Jadi jangan harap aku bakal memutuskan sesuatu hanya karena “udah waktunya”, “udah hukumnya”, atau any other words sounded like that…

Lagian coba pikir… kalo kita baru kenal lawan jenis sebentar (say, 3 or 6 months), itu pun jarang ketemu n tuker pikiran, trus tiba-tiba orang ini ngelamar, dan karena menurut hukum nikah kita udah harus nikah (baca: wajib), sampe akhirnya diterimalah lamaran si cowok ‘antah-berantah’ ini, what will happen next?

What if he’s some masochist? Gimana kalo ternyata visi dan misinya tentang hidup kurang bisa kita terima? Gimana kalo ternyata kita gak bisa nerima kebiasaan-kebiasaannya yang ‘sembarangan’ (misal throwing socks under the sofa ‘til they got molded or other scarier habits…), bukankah akan jadi kekecewaan?
Memang, semua terletak pada kesediaan kita menerima pasangan apa adanya, tapi kalo ternyata kita terpaksa menerima??? Apa lacur? Mau cerai, kasian orangtua… Gak cerai, tersiksa…

That’s why, I recommend knowing before speaking…

Aku setuju, pacaran lama pun gak menjamin kita tahu pasangan kita dengan baik… but at least that’s what I’m trying to do… If it takes longer than others, so be it. I guess it’s just the way everything has to be… for me…

Intinya, I don’t feel like getting married in a short time, dan gak ngiri sama sekali denger ada temen (ato adek kelas) yang mo nikah, juga blom ada insting yang tergerak kalo denger ada temen yang ngelahirin ato jadi bapak… And I had this thought notified to my parents few weeks ago. They didn’t seem offended. I hope.
I think it’s just a matter of time, and I have faith in God, as much as I have faith in myself.

Maybe I lack trust in others, that’s why I cannot let anyone outside myself to make decisions for me… selain itu I happened to always decide for life myself, and back then no one even bothered to make it out for me.. Why now? Why this? I’ve been trained quite well to take care of myself and my grandma had raised me and taught me well into it, but now… everyone just seem to… well…. I don’t even know there’s a name for it! It’s excruciating sometimes.

Masalah blom ada yang ngelamar sih… well, I’ll say “not now” anyway, jadi nggak penting juga.

Everything happens for a reason. Me not wanting to get married soon, why me not wanting to get married soon, what influences “why me not wanting to get married soon”… semuanya ada jawabannya. And I just want to keep it to myself.

(and this statement also open for a sudden change of mind… so, we’ll see)

Kenapa musti takut ditanya soal menikah?
Kenapa musti sebel?

Sebel karna jadi ngerasa umur dah tua? Bete karna sebenernya pasangan blom punya orientasi menikah? Dan kita sbg pasangan musti menutupi keadaan sebenernya, demi kepentingan berdua? (atau demi kepentingan pasangan?) Ato karna alasan lain?
Karena katanya kalo disindir orang kita sebel, that means we actually do feel like what they been up to…

Tapi, kenyataannya nggak slalu gitu. Aku lebih sebel karna ini merely my decision of life, where no others can interfere, not even my parents. Coba pikir aja, kalo menikah adalah ibadah, that means we only have to be responsible to God. Katanya kalo belom mampu sebaiknya jangan nikah dulu… so? Masalah mampu-gak mampu, depends only on what the actors think and feel. Again, it’s very personal.

Banyak faktor kenapa orang mutusin buat nikah.
1. Cinta.
2. Nafsu.
3. Orangtua.
4. Keadaan.

Keadaan misalnya: umur!! karena dianggep udah tua boo… (plis deh, hari gini? lagian, jodoh di tangan Tuhan geto looch), sodara2nya udah nikah semua, tinggal dia yg belom. Wasiat embah buat cepet nikah (baik itu embah eyang atau embah dukun). Jarak jauh, biar cepet bareng. Kepentingan kerjaan (biar bisa mutasi). Kepepet (hamil, misal-amit2 na’udzubillah). Dijodohin. Dipaksa (buat bayar utang-aduuuuh hari gini?). En so on en so on lah…

Eniwei endeskoy,
buat aku… menikah itu jangan sampe karna keadaan. It has to be from our own consciousness, our own conscience. Jadi… perlu pemikiran panjang x lebar buat bikin keputusan as big as this. Aku perlu tau, gimana sifat pasangan, kemampuan pasangan berkomunikasi, komitmen pasangan thd pernikahan, cara pasangan mengatur hidupnya, seberapa jauh pasangan mau berkompromi, seberapa jauh pasangan bersedia bekerja sama, apakah pasangan mampu ngurus anak kalo kita meninggal duluan, de-es-be…

Kalo udah tau, compare dengan sifat2ku sendiri, my own capability of doing things, cocok enggak… kalo pun enggak cocok, bersediakah aku menerima apa adanya kekurangan diri sendiri dan pasangan, bla bla bla…

Kupikir, i’ve been through that phase, and I’m willing to compromise.

Tapi masalahnya gak brenti di situ aja. There’s ‘money’ follows. Bukaaaaaan…. bukan buat bikin resepsi besar2an yg bakal bikin semua orang tercengang… nope. Bukan juga buat beli rumah mewah. Ato hal-hal serba mewah lain lah. Yang mungkin dikira orang bakal aku lakukan (knapa ya aku dikira gitu?)
Lebih ke saving masa depan yang harus dipunyai buat survival. Kalo in the next 5 years aku masih blom tau akan ada dimana, what’s the point to get married, then? Cuma bakal memicu pertengkaran.

Terus… soal niat, keinginan, harapan. Buat kesana aku masih belom tergerak.  Maybe my phase isn’t coming yet. I know it will, but not now.

Most importantly, dari sekian banyak hal yg bisa dilakukan di dunia, why get married? Karena menikah itu sebuah proses yg harus dilalui? Betul. Tapi buat sampe kesana, i need to do things that can actualize myself. Apapun itu. Jadi, setelah itu, baru nikah. Menurutku, menikah setelah merasa diri teraktualisasi bakal lebih membahagiakan. Semoga.

So… ketika aku jawab ‘belum siap’, ‘belum ada dana’, ‘belum pengen’, atau ‘doain aja’, jangan komentar lagi. That’s my answer. Do not corrupt that.
Karena selama ini pertanyaan2 tadi slalu dijawab lagi dg: ‘gak usah terlalu banyak mikir’, ‘kalo nunggu siap ya gak bakalan siap siap…’, ‘alah mbak Dinna perlu dana brapa sih? kan duitnya udah segunung’, ‘kenapa belum pengen? nunggu apa lagi? pacar ada, ortu setuju, kerjaan lancar’, atau ‘ya udah jangan lama-lama, gak baik, keburu dosa, keburu tua’.. sapa coba yg gak gondok, gak jawab salah, udah jawab dibalikin lagi.

Heran kan, yg mo nikah siapa sih sebenernya? Aku ato masyarakat? Seems like they know me better than I do…
Intinya adalah… let me do what i want to do. I’ll get there, as soon as I want to.

P.S. Mendingan gak punya duit tapi dikira orang kaya ato punya banyak duit tapi dikira gembel? Duit segunung…. monopoli kaleee!! ;p

cogito, ergo sum

cogito, ergo sum
(René Descartes)

I don’t know what kind of devil possessed me, but I feel like… for the past 5 years, I had turned into a very harsh, cynical person. I couldn’t stop thinking and shouting my comments out loud for almost everything (I mind my comments but I didn’t mind if it hurt somebody), and it seems like I only stop thinking when I’m asleep.

My mind keeps wandering, seeking an answer out of everything. I just can’t seem to do things naturally anymore…

Even when I picked a glass to drink or a bowl to pour something in, I took into account its every attributes, like… its size, its cleanliness, even for the least amount of energy I have to spend to wash it… I can’t seem to just pick the nearest one.. or the one I like most… It’s peculiar, don’t u think?

I also keep thinking and questioning bout things… 5W+1H… How can my gas run out very fast? So fast that it’s so not mathematically tolerated… What can I do to help my friends out of their problems? Why do things get blurred sometimes, specially when I’m looking for an answer…? When did the last time I laugh my head off??? Where did I put my keys? (sometimes followed by “how could I have put ‘em there?”) What seems to be bizarre is that I know I can manage to come up with 3 to 5 different answers for each question. I just can’t turn my mind off!

Annoyingly, it has affected my sleeping pattern, my meal pattern… pretty much my life pattern if summed up…

Maybe my ‘cogito ergo sum’ just went off wildly…

Inbox

P : “Din, semua temen-temenku udah gak peduli sama aku, semua ninggalin aku… Apa aku bisa curhat sama kamu?”

R : “Yaudah kl kamu sibuk, sebenere aku pengen ngomong sih. Aku bingung banget…”

M : “All I do is cry all day, all night.. I don’t know what to do, why is this happening to me? Is it because of me?”

Itu TIGA, dari sekian banyak message di inbox hpku. Tiga, seems like a small number. But considering the theme… I guess not. And what did I do about those? Nothing. Yes. Exactly.

I’ve been thinking… (yeah, as usual)

Aku pikir aku berusaha terlalu keras. Untuk apa pun. Bahkan untuk sesuatu yang gak perlu diusahain. I’ve always tried to be nice to people. Karena aku pikir when I do/say something nice to them, they’d reflect it to me from the shine in their eyes. That’s a reward enough for me. Aku pikir aku berhasil. To some people, to some point. Tapi apa aku bener-bener berhasil? Honestly? No. Because it took some efforts for me to be nice, which I didn’t have to. That makes it all seemed corny. Seharusnya kalo mau baik ya baik aja. Gak usah pake embel-embel karena pengen orang bersikap baik juga. Gak perlu ditunjuk-tunjukin karena kalo kita emang baik, orang bakal tau tanpa harus dikasih tau. I know that. And I think I am sincere now.

Tapi sekali lagi, begitukah? Try this situation:

I have two friends who are getting married soon. I should be happy for them, right? I am. That’s not the problem. The problem is, why do I keep commenting about their super-luxurious weddings, the dress, the flowers, the invitations, the souvenirs, everything? About why they have to put so much efforts and energy for something that will only last a day, even less? They should’ve focused into something more meaningful, more deep in sense… their marriage and the meaning of it. Why waste millions of money for something they wouldn’t even memorize when the marriage gets tough (not that I want that to happen but let’s face it, it does happen)? Apalagi kalo tujuannya hanya buat show-off…

Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I envy them. Is it really what happened? I don’t know, I’m not the one who has the capacity to say that.

I always consider myself a deep person. Seeing things deeper than I should. And I find all of those things above… shallow. I always think we should always be considerate to EVERY people in our lives, even in the world. Instead of celebrating high-cost wedding parties, they should consider them who are less fortunate, should consider about what they could do with half of the money if they decide to switch gears.

But where does that put me into? What does that make me? Someone who are not even close to being considerate. Yep, it seems like I’m fooling myself here.

I should STOP criticizing things that aren’t worth my voice. I should focus on myself and what I REALLY can do to help my friends in need out of their problems. Do I have what it takes? I think so.

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